Don’t Throw Your Husband Out With The Baby’s Bathwater

Isn’t becoming a mother just the most intense experience both physically and emotionally? For me, it was the most fulfilling time of my life! I remember the anxious waiting for my son’s birth- doubly anxious because I had given birth to still-born twins in my seventh month previously. And as I waited anxiously for his birth, I also wondered what exactly my husband was experiencing emotionally. Outwardly, he seemed unconcerned, but I knew he must have had some anxiety as well- he was looking forward to this child as much as I. So I thought about how this child would change our marital relationship- would it bring us closer or cause some distance between us? You see, I had friends who had dreamt all their lives of being a mother, and when that supreme moment came, they invested so much of their time and energy into motherhood that they often neglected their husbands. Many men were battling anxieties caused through feeling second-best or neglected… not only in the love-making area, but in all areas. Suddenly the world revolved around the baby and they felt like they were just the breadwinner and of no special significance to their wives. Some of them even carried guilt because they felt jealous of their own child. And some of them even strayed because of it. I didn’t want this to happen. As soon as Mark was born, they handed him to me…I drank in the sight of him and immediately handed him up to his father. As I did with the other children as well. I made every effort to include him in not only the baby’s life, but I made sure that he had no doubt that I still regarded him as my friend, my lover and my husband. There were times when the baby needed my attention of course, but I made sure that I made time to listen to what my husband had to say, to cook his favourite meals and to be demonstratively affectionate to him. He was so proud of each of our babies and was a very good father. (We later on had problems in our marriage that were totally unrelated to him feeling second best after their birth.) I have encouraged my own daughters to remember that they are wives first and mothers second. They have been encouraged as well to put their husbands first in everything so as to avoid the mistakes I have seen new mothers sometimes make. Being a mother would not be anywhere near as wonderful an experience if we lost our marriages in the process. So, new mothers and young ladies, I would encourage you too- don’t throw your husband out with the baby’s bathwater!

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

Marriage, motherhood and home..truly a balancing act!

Every wise woman builds her house but the foolish one tears it down with her own hands. I think the wise wife and mother realizes that the whole family hinges on a good marriage. I think God, husband, children, home and church is a biblical approach to prioritizing who comes first in your life. And as many a woman whose children have flown the nest will testify- if you haven’t nurtured your marriage during the childrearing years, you may very well end up being married to a stranger! The sad fact is that we all grow and change throughout the years, so it is imperative that a wife make her husband number one during those years of child raising and keep her marriage alive and the intimacy (both physical and spiritual), fresh. Women who have devoted all their attention to their children and neglected their marriage can feel lost (even suicidal) when that focus is gone. And if it is further complicated by an empty marriage (shudder) A well-loved and respected husband usually makes a better and more confident father. I think that if the husband is shown love and respect on a regular basis then he will not feel neglected when his wife has to look to the needs of his children before his own. Most men will not over react when their needs are temporarily put on hold whilst a baby is in need of feeding or changing or the children are fighting or in need of discipline or whatever. By making your husband number one after God, I believe it enhances a marriage and that in turn brings greater team-work in raising children. There are obviously times when our children’s needs are more pressing than our husband’s, but if the wise woman has built her man up, and he knows he is King of his castle and has her heart, he usually understands that he may have to take a temporary back seat in her attentions. If the wife has torn her house down with neglecting her husband, being constantly unavailable or unaffectionate etc then it is highly likely that he will feel that he is not very important in her sight. He may even become bothered with feelings of guilt because he has jealous feelings towards his own children. The whole business of child raising, marriage and homemaking is a balancing act which requires wisdom and prayer- and organization. I do feel too that sometimes children today are made a little too much of and I fear that we will reap the consequences of this in our own lives and in the next generation of adults. Balance is the key, I feel. The wise woman will build her house by building up her husband, building her children up enough to make them confident adults but never to become the masters of the home. This is tearing your house down with your own hands. Build your home by seeking God’s divine order- Him, husband, children, house then church. By doing this, you will have a happy home and family and will be serving God as He purposes it. And you will reap the reward of a happy enduring marriage and well adjusted children.

© Glenys Robyn Hicks

‘Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all” Proverbs 31:29

Your Daddy’s Always Your Daddy!

believe God has given us an innate desire to call Him Father and to worship Him and trust Him as Lord. He does this by giving us the instinct and urge to look up to our fathers and love and be loved by them no matter what they are really like. Even on a subconscious level, we are always trying to win our father’s approval and love even when he has passed on. For good or bad, Father can influence our thinking and our self-esteem. Depending on how our father measured up to our need for love and esteem, so will our behaviour be- even into adulthood. It will definitely affect how we view God as Father. But no matter how much our fathers fall below the mark in being good fathers, we will still yearn for their love and approval- because your Daddy is always your Daddy! My daughter and her partner split up once and my 2 year old grandson was missing his Dad- especially at night-time! Now there is too much personal stuff to discuss online, so suffice it to say that his Dad is not a very nice person- however to his kiddies, he is King! Anyway, we were minding her kiddies one night and the little guy was dead tired. He climbed up onto Chris’s knee and rubbed his hand up and down the hairs on Chris’s arm and tried to put his hand down his shirt front to feel the hair on his chest. Chris swivelled him around so that he could reach his chest to settle. He did this because our grandson has been sleeping with his Daddy since his birth and now misses that masculine touch to go to sleep with. It was a very emotional moment! It is sad when adults have to go their own way. But I am sure that when the dust settles and they see their father again, their love for him will still be the same. For to a child, Father can do no wrong! Because God wants us to see Him as a loving Father, He has placed that paternal love in our hearts so much, that no matter what transpires, we will even subconsciously still love our fathers no matter how much they have failed us. We are all one in this- because we all know that your Daddy is always your Daddy no matter what!© Glenys Robyn Hicks

A Letter In Praise Of Fathers

Sometimes I feel fathers underestimate the value of their role in bringing up their children. Especially so for Christian fathers. Your child is constantly looking at your behaviour, speech and mannerisms from early infancy and all you do and say is moulding him or her into your likeness. Good or bad. The father’s role as leader of the home and spiritual guide is so critical to your child’s development. For it is through you as well as their mother that they learn. Not only do they learn how to do practical things like filling the car with gas, but they watch how you interact with their mother and other authority figures. It is crucial that children see their father respecting and loving their mother and obeying the laws of God and the land. They will take on board any negativity that you show such as laziness, bad humour, cussing, lack of interest in spiritual matters and even worldly matters. If you doubt the value of your role, take a moment to observe your children at play and note how many times Daddy goes to work, how he drives the car, how he speaks to Mommy and to them! It could come as a shock! If you use bad language in front of your little ones, expect them to repeat it! They hear YOU say it- so then to their minds it is correct and proper grammar! Do not feign ignorance or administer punishment if you are using such language- they are just proving my point! Children are like little sponges and are absorbing everything you do and say. It is crucial to the child’s development that he or she feels loved and accepted by their father. Most of us spend all our lives trying to please Dad- even if he has passed on! Your place as father is so much more than being just a bread winner- important and appreciated as much as it is! Your children do not know the value of money as youngsters and a child has no comprehension of being in lack. If they are fed, warm, clean and loved, that is all they know and need. The father’s role is one that influences us right up and through the time that we have children of our own. If you weren’t much of a father to your children, the chances are they won’t be much of a father to your grandchildren! And most importantly of all, I feel- the spiritual role of father. How you relate to your children will model how they perceive God as Father! You can make or break their trust in God by your fathering! May you look at your role as a father through the eyes of your children, and try to be Christ-like! Your child’s eternity depends on it!© Glenys Robyn Hicks

‘Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?’ Hebrews 12:9

Daddy’s Little Girls- Good Wives Of Tomorrow

I don’t think we realise how important our fathers are in our lives. They are taking a bigger role in children’s lives these days, but when I was a child in the 50’s, Dads went to work and mostly left the childrearing to Mums. We children knew no different. It was the norm.

Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychology states that a woman who was deprived of the natural affection a father has for his child often has trouble being a loving wife and trusting men. Now I don’t believe we can make a blanket statement like that and speak for all women- but I do believe that fathers teach us to trust men.

Sitting on Daddy’s knee and relaxing while he reads us a story or cuddles us is critical for our development of trust in people and in God as our heavenly Father. I don’t believe this is relevant just for girls. Boys need a close relationship with their fathers too- because children watch everything a father does- he is a role model. How a child relates to her/himself is often a reflection of the love or lack of that a father gives.

Fathers of today usually are split 50/50. There is the New Sensitive Guy and the Absent Guy. Often in today’s world, this is not the father’s fault. Lots of women are choosing single parenthood as an option. This is disastrous for the future generation. Everyone needs a father figure. To not know a father’s love is to my mind, a sad circumstance.

Although Freud’s statement cannot talk for all womankind, I do believe some of it is relevant today. I believe that women deprived of the masculine input that a father brings can seek to compensate for it by becoming stridently feministic and distrustful of males. Again, not all but a lot. For a Father’s imput is something we seek even subconsciously and we will find someone or something to replace the emptiness and fulfill the desire to have a relationship with our father.

I think it is so beautiful that our God describes Himself as our Father. It strikes a note deep within our heart for the acceptance and love that we need from our earthly father. And it is something that the majority of people can easily relate to. For through Fatherhood, our Heavenly Father describes the attributes of the love He has for each of us.

I believe we wives should cultivate respect for our children’s fathers. We should teach our sons that this is how a father responds to his children so that they will be good fathers to our grandchildren. Our daughters should see that their father is to be respected and loved so as to help them be their husband’s helpmeet and in so doing be loving and responsive partners.

The cycle of generations of fatherless children is going to be a tragedy for countless families. Let us who know to respect and love our husbands cultivate a loving relationship between them and our children- that Daddy’s little boys can be strong confident men and Daddy’s little girls be sweet and loving contented wives and mothers. In doing so, we will be opening the hearts of those most precious to us to the beauty of our Heavenly Father’s loving care for us.

“Every good gift änd every perfect gift is from above and cometh down from the Father of lights..” James 1:17a